Ken Hom Rustles Up A Jamie-esque Storm In The School Canteen
You thought Jamie had balls? Battling British school canteens head on was one thing, but what about Chinese ones? They are bigger, badder and there are a whole lot more of them.
Ken Hom’s had enough. Airing on national TV tonight, he hosts a new series “Ken’s School Dinners”, and thus begins a national campaign [note: not ‘protest’] to overhall children’s lunches.
As armies march on their stomachs, students learn on their lunches. So what’s on the menu?:
– Rice. That monotonous, colourless staple.
– Bones. Served with every meal, big and small.
– Soup. It’s practically water, and who knows what lurks at the bottom?
– Vegetables. Practically all dishes involve something healthy.
– Condiments. Frequently home made, never Heinz.
– No drinks.
If that’s sounding bad to you, consider these additional setbacks. Spoons come only in limited supply, leaving the unlucky to prod hungrily and hunks of bone with two wooden sticks. Furthermore, while 45minutes is technically allocated for meal times, late arrivals are punished with a meal of just cold, leftover rice.
“How kids are expected to function, let alone learn on a diet of this kind of crap, I have no idea” protests Hom. “Everyone needs something to look forward to at lunchtime, and that’s what I want to inject into schools.”
Hamburgers, pizzas, curly fries and mexican delicacies all feature in Hom’s new plan. He will also be launching an entirely new product specifically for canteen buyers, ‘Ken Hom’s Duck Twizzlers’.
“Vegetables are popular with adults, but why force feed them to schoolkids who are already being force fed education all day long? Kids want a pukka pizza – lets give them that.”
Chopsticks, too, are out. Hom advocates a global approach to eating, “students should experiment with a variety of eating methods, from West Asian hand scooping to Japanese slurping, European cutlery or even American shovelling.”
Perhaps most controversially, Hom’s new plan will introduce CocaCola carbonated drinks to the school canteen. “Bottomless sodas will replace those horrible lifeless soups” he enthuses.
Can Hom gain the support of Chinese billions in toppling age-old methods of the school canteen? Or will he do a Jamie and earn the scorn of a nation?
Tune in tonight, 9pm CCTV5 to find out.
Ken Hom’s book, a namesake of the telly show, is available to buy now.
